I just wanted to share something that made me smile. I was emailing back and forth with a long-time admirer and I thanked him for his testimonial about me on Inraptured.
Me:
“By the way, I loved your testimonial about my subtle nature.”
Him:
It’s absolutely true. For me, it’s a huge turn off when a woman is trying too hard to be dominating. That’s not power. True power stems from the innate ability to command obedience without demanding it. Demanding obedience seems desperate to me. Someone like you who is a true dominant doesn’t need to resort to any of that. You know that someone like me is going to crawl on his hands and knees to your feet because there’s no other desirable choice. Plus, as you know, the most alluring kind of dominance to me is the kind that is sweet and seductive, with an inescapable black hole once you’re tricked into the center of it. That’s you to the core; no pun intended. It’s much sexier to be tricked and seduced into biting the forbidden fruit than to be tied down and force fed it.
It’s a lot like the dichotomy between men who are actually tough and men who are not. The grizzled marine who can kick your ass in 2 seconds doesn’t have to talk about how tough he is, so he doesn’t. He just beats your ass for you when needed.
I’m curious what all of you think about what power and dominance is at its core.
I am extremely happy that my words had an impact on you. I can’t tell you how much it pleases me to know I made you smile. I am honored that I’m the subject of one of your blog posts! You just made my month.
What’s dominance at its core? It’s easy; I can sum it up in one word.
“Tessa”
Power at it’s core is the ability to make something happen. In our context this means the ability to make someone do, say, think, or be what you want. This power can be employed overtly or covertly. The difference is that overt power moves people to respond because they have to, while covert power moves people to respond because they want to.
Both expressions of power have their place, usually based on circumstances. The use of overt power is quicker and easier than the use of covert power. It might be the most useful when time or ability are lacking. One stereotypical use of overt power might be a parent making a child not touch a hot stove or stop playing in the street.
The covert use of power may properly be called manipulation. Despite the negative connotations of the word, this is actually a kinder, gentler way of getting the desired results. This would be a parent making a child clean his or her room by making a game out of it, or distracting a child with a story while feeding him or her vegetables or something else unpalatable.
The ultimate expression of covert power – and the reason why we are all here – is through hypnosis. The hypnotist opens the mind of her subject to make adjustments of various extents to make him or her do, say, think or be whatever is desired. This can be to an extent that might make all of us uncomfortable to fathom. What would make someone have the trust needed for such an event?
The expected results. In fact, it is reasonable to say that the hypnotist must use covert power to enable her to use the much more extensive covert power of her art. The subject cannot be forced overtly to be hypnotized; our brains are constructed to prevent such a thing from happening. The hypnotist must convince her subject to be hypnotized because he or she wants to.
But what outcome could make someone want to submit to a hypnotist enough to let her fuck with his or her mind? Sexual pleasure is high on the list. Freud would say it is all that is on the list, but he tended to oversimplify people. Other things are just as powerful, like the release of the “feel good” chemicals, like Oxycontin and Dopamine, associated with love and attachment.
This is what we mean by erotic hypnosis, but sensual and romantic pleasure is not the only use of this tool. It can also be used to give people a nonsexual “roller coaster ride” event that in some cases can be just as powerful. Finally and most important, it can be used to heal people from the effects of PTSD from war or other traumatic events, as legitimate as any other tool for healing.
Thus ends the essay on power. As a much shorter story, Dominance in our setting is the comfort with which one wields power. Someone who is not at all dominant can still wield power, and sometimes quite effectively, but not with alacrity. It would be only a means to some other end.
For someone who is Dominant, power can be an end in itself. Something that she enjoys and, in the right setting, gets off from. Someone not dominant can mirror these feelings, immensely enjoying when the dominant person wields her overt or covert power.
Power is about influencing behavior. But where does power come from?
I think the well known “sources of power” are measures to maintain and expand power. They are a manifestation of power but not its origin. And as manifestation of power they might be very pleasurable for erotic power plays:
Legislative Power – this is the power written down on the paper like in a job description. Slave Contracts are the erotic legislative power play. These contracts are a lot of fun to create but after they are signed they do not really help to make a Mistress or Master. This is not where power comes from.
Coercive and Reward Power – nothing to explain here – it is obvious how it can be used in erotic power play. But how to make someone to accept punishment and reward – to accept power? My personal answer is: You cannot! – it is always a deal. Power is given by someone who is willing to give it up and it must be accepted by someone who wants it. It is always a win-win, a gain in efficiency, health (yes, my chiropractor makes me do things), performance or just pleasure.
Informational Power- which is the access to sources of information. I think some power plays like giving someone access to social network accounts, emails etc. or “Teamviewer” sessions deal with this form of power. To be transferred – the power is always given away and must be accepted. And sometimes the result from such power exchange – the pleasure – might be less exciting than it was expected in the first place. Therefore it is very important to make a careful choice before power is transferred. This holds true for a Politicians, Mistresses and CEOs.
Expert Power – this is knowledge, competence and skill. Maybe some role plays (teacher student) deal with it but I am not sure. But skill is a good reason to transfer power. – I like erotic hypnosis and there are a lot of hypnotists but why do I have chosen Tessa in the first place? Because she has skill! And why I kept on listening to Tessa and got bored with others? – Because of her skill!
Referent Power – This is the networking – in Tessa’s case the good testimonials and comments in blogs and communities.
To sum it up: – To get power it must be transfered. A Win-Win situation is expected from it. The receiving part must accept the power and must be willing to use it. A power transfer is offered because of skill or good reference. Power positions must be continuously re-earned anew and can be strengthened by the “Sources of Power”
Power tactics – how the power is executed:
When the “sources of power” are the instruments than the “tactics of power” are the tune:
direct (overtly) or indirect (covertly)
rational or irrational
Unilateral, bilateral.
The use depends on the situation. In hypnosis a actually love a mixture of direct and indirect power usage. Direct power for things I have already learned and accepted, triggers that work, kinks I already have. Indirect for things that I am actually working on, to soften boundaries, to change the mixture of desires. In erotic hypnosis I love to recognize the indirect manipulation – for me it can be exciting to be manipulated, and it would be a pity to miss that.
The same I like for rational and irrational power tactics. Logic arguments are fine – but mixed with irrational hope or fear it really gives me the kick.
Unilateral – “You must obey” – or – bilateral – “And if you agree than you can repeat: I will obey”
And again – in erotic recordings I love when both are used together. For me this is strongest.
I think dominance represents the ability to control a person in a situation to generate an outcome. It can be done directly by strictly shouting orders but whilst this may be effective it’s a very blunt way of doing it like the equivalent of using a battering ram to get through a door. I think there is so much more sophistication and elegance in using a much more subtle approach. The addition of a combination of sweet seduction and trickery can make dominance so much more powerful with something like Tessa’s ‘pretty poison’ file being the perfect example.
For me the difference between the methods is choice. In a stricter domination the choice is brought upon a submissive which I don’t like so much. In a subtile approach the suggestion is made which builds to a desire so the submissive makes more of the decision to give up power. Once under the spell maybe there comes a point of realisation but by then falling seems so much more the desirable choice. I would very much agree with the black hole analogy on this one.